Speechless.

...I have to confess, I peeked. I did an at-home test 3 days before my blood test and every day until. Mostly because I was blindsided at my first failed transfer but I had my amazing husband beside me. On the day of our blood test this time, we both had to work and in order to not be blindsided two counties apart with the expectation of working at work, we decided to test early while we were together. The tests were clearly negative, not even a faint line to be seen. I still had hope that just maybe it worked this time but my soul was already defeated. I cried and I cried hard, but I tried to keep my mask up because nothing was certain but that also meant faking it for all the world to see while I worked through all these feelings. Feelings that we have tried for 3 and a half years and after all those rounds of Clomid and losing 60 lbs for my egg retrieval we only had two embryos because one $20,000 loan was all we could manage. 

I went into my appointment Thursday morning with a sliver of hope and faith the size of a mustard seed. A few hours later, I got the call. Dr. Meyer was on the other end of that phone and my heart dropped. It's never good when the Dr. calls you. He told me I had minimal amounts of HCG but he needed me to retest the next day. He didn't foresee this being a successful pregnancy but just in case I needed to retest so I made the appointment and then I made myself numb. Once again we were in limbo. 

Sleep wasn't the best that night and neither was my mood in the morning but I walked into my appointment and the lab tech asked if I was any better today. I wasn't the Dr. had made sure to prepare me for the fact that it probably wouldn't change. She tried to muster hope and I appreciated the effort but my heart was heavy. A few hours at work and a total of 20 minutes of work completed and my phone rang again. This time it was a nurse, but I could tell in her voice it wasn't good. She said my HCG levels had dropped and the Dr. advised to stop all meds. If I wanted to do another cycle, I would start birth control on the 3rd day of my next cycle. I told her there wasn't going to be a next cycle. Unfortunately, there's no way we could afford another loan for those thousands of dollars of stimulation meds that aren't covered by my insurance, even though my egg retrieval procedure and transfer would be covered in full. I thanked her for calling me and the call ended. 

I called my wonderful husband and and had to break it to him that we weren't having a baby. I pulled myself together walked back into work and straight to the bathroom and broke down in tears. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on work so I walked into my bosses office with tears rolling down my face and asked if I could go home. I never do that; I never take off work that isn't planned in advance, but I had to leave. I needed my husband. Of course, she let me go but not before hugging me and trying to console me and everyone knows how I feel about unsolicited hugs so I was clearly in rough shape. After getting in my car, I just sat there and let the flood of tears flow. I wasn't okay at all.

I told a handful of people the condensed version of events and of course everyone cares and wants to be there for me, for us, but like I said, there's nothing any human being could do in this moment and so I just ghosted into my home with my husband and my puppies. We decided to do our grocery shopping early so we could stay in the house this weekend because truthfully I just want to hide away for awhile. I know there's nothing I could've done any better in these cycles to make sure they would be successful but I feel so much guilt. Guilty because we need a house and my husband drives a truck without A/C in this ridiculous climate but we prioritized our best chance of having a baby over creature comforts and our best chance was IVF because my body just wouldn't do what it's supposed to do. No matter how hard I try. Because I'm 35 with a diminished egg reserve and the likelihood of having our baby after all these years of natural cycles, stimulated cycles and IVF cycles is very slim and it hurts so much. I know I can't control what my body will or won't do, but to know it just doesn't is so painful. It isn't just about me. Although everything in me wants to meet baby Dane with those beautiful blue eyes and watch him grow up into an amazing man just like his daddy; I want to see Dane be a father because I know as good as he is to me (and he is absolutely golden) he would be even better to them. 

No matter what the test said, the bills will continue to roll in. Every month on the 17th for the next 5 years we'll get a big reminder of what might've been in the form of a $500 auto draft. We'll setup a payment plan for the other thousand that have popped up and we'll make sure it gets paid just as we pay all the rest of our bills, but that one will hit harder every single time. While I was getting that loan everyone was like just wait, the baby will be so much more expensive than that. I know they didn't understand the weight of their words but in my head every time all I heard was IF it works. But it didn't work and we will still make those payments because we have no other choice and people will continue to repeat just have faith and don't lose hope. Yes, anything can happen and miracles happen every day... but I've read enough to know you don't always get what you pray for. So for now, I ask for a simple prayer of peace in our hearts. If I've learned anything from this relationship, it's what's meant to be will be and what isn't will not.