A Big & Beautiful Adventure: Parenthood

I'm about to be so very vulnerable, be kind please. ❤ A lot of people know this about me because I wrote about it in my old blog once, but a lot of people don't. 14 years ago, I was engaged to get married. We had just bought a house and a few months later I lost my job right at Thanksgiving. My marginally expensive birth control ran out (because I didn't have health insurance,) and I couldn't afford it at the moment. Surprise, a few weeks after Christmas I had a missed cycle and 3 very positive pregnancy tests. Never once in my life had I ever considered abortion. Never once did I think we can't have this baby but my soon to be husband looked me in my face and told me we couldn't keep it. This was my future husband and he was coming from a place of concern and logic at least that's what I told myself. I made the appointment in Raleigh for my next day off. He drove me there and gave me the money and I went in by myself. It looked like any other doctor's o...

...I have to confess, I peeked. I did an at-home test 3 days before my blood test and every day until. Mostly because I was blindsided at my first failed transfer but I had my amazing husband beside me. On the day of our blood test this time, we both had to work and in order to not be blindsided two counties apart with the expectation of working at work, we decided to test early while we were together. The tests were clearly negative, not even a faint line to be seen. I still had hope that just maybe it worked this time but my soul was already defeated. I cried and I cried hard, but I tried to keep my mask up because nothing was certain but that also meant faking it for all the world to see while I worked through all these feelings. Feelings that we have tried for 3 and a half years and after all those rounds of Clomid and losing 60 lbs for my egg retrieval we only had two embryos because one $20,000 loan was all we could manage.  I went into my appointment Thursday morning with a ...