Step 1: Forgiving The Lies I Told Myself

I'm about to be so very vulnerable, be kind please. ❤

A lot of people know this about me because I wrote about it in my old blog once, but a lot of people don't. 14 years ago, I was engaged to get married. We had just bought a house and a few months later I lost my job right at Thanksgiving. My marginally expensive birth control ran out (because I didn't have health insurance,) and I couldn't afford it at the moment. Surprise, a few weeks after Christmas I had a missed cycle and 3 very positive pregnancy tests. Never once in my life had I ever considered abortion. Never once did I think we can't have this baby but my soon to be husband looked me in my face and told me we couldn't keep it. This was my future husband and he was coming from a place of concern and logic at least that's what I told myself.

I made the appointment in Raleigh for my next day off. He drove me there and gave me the money and I went in by myself. It looked like any other doctor's office. There were no protesters, the staff was kind, I was sat in a room to discuss  my options and given an ultrasound. At first, they couldn't even find anything on the ultrasound. I was barely 5 weeks along. I was given a pill and a shot and another pill to take later that night. At bedtime, I took the last pill. I wasn't prepared for the absolute nightmare that was gonna hit after I took that pill. 

My cycles were bad for back pain but that was it really. I had never been pregnant before, I had never felt a miscarriage or uterine contractions before. I was in more pain than I could've ever imagined which says a lot because when I was 9 I wrecked a dirt bike and half my face looked like a package of ground beef. The absolute massacre that occurred after taking that medication and the absolute agony was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life so far. I knew I wasn't proud of my choice.

 I obviously felt regret but more than that I felt shame and I knew there was nothing I could do about it any more. Because I had known I wanted to have babies--at least 3. We had bought a 5 bedroom house for a reason, right? When I was growing up I didn't have college aspirations or career aspirations. I've heard about my child bearing hips since I hit puberty. I was born to be a mom. And I had sacrificed the one thing in life I wanted because we didn't have enough faith. 

That decision was the beginning of the end of my marriage and I wasn't even married yet. A year or so later I finally convinced my then husband that we should try for another baby. Two years passed and not even a faint line to be seen. My world was crumbling on the inside but it was crumbling on the outside too. We lost my Mema very suddenly to pancreatic cancer and my depression swallowed me whole. I resented the man I loved because I blamed him for taking away my dream. I was a consenting adult, I made that choice just as much as he did. Although, in my mind that truth didn't stand a chance. I gave up on everything, including my marriage. 

My life was a downward spiral for a long time. It didn't always look like it on the outside but I was truly a work in progress. I tried to fix me every way I knew how and I did well here and there for extended time periods but I still couldn't ever fully figure it out. I always felt like I was empty, broken and unfinished. One day, I got a wake up call in the form of a breakup call. And I thought once again my world was crashing down around me. (It definitely wasn't but your hindsight is 20/20 or whatever.)

If you read the rest of our adventure, you know what comes next. A new beginning found me in he who is now my prince charming of a husband. We knew immediately that we were endgame. We talked all the time about hopes, dreams and aspirations and our ideals of the future aligned nearly perfectly. We wanted our family. As of yet, still not a blip of a pregnancy. Deep in my soul for years now I've blamed myself. I've assigned myself a punishment for what I did all those years ago as though I will never receive my most sincere desire. 

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago and the Executive Director of Your Choice Resource Center (formerly the Pregnancy Care Center in Rocky Mount,) was discussing what they do and he said a few things that hit me but the biggest was that abortion isn't an unforgivable sin. I needed to hear that. I needed to forgive myself. I've tried so many times over the years to forgive myself and it just hasn't stuck. I carry that pain and resentment with me always. While listening to Cody, I felt so many emotions. I was bawling my eyes out. I wished someone had been there to reaffirm my faith. I wish I had been stronger and spoke up for myself. I wish I didn't carry my anguish around with me.

But we are not being punished for my sin, for whatever reason, it just isn't our time yet. We will meet our baby, and we will have our family. We just have to stay strong and have faith in this period of struggle. 

During his time, Cody also mentioned a few things I wasn't aware of like post-abortion support. I have carried this trauma and grief and anger with me for 13 and a half years now. It is so heavy and I needed support. I was ashamed and scared to talk to the people around me back then. I kept it a secret for so long for this reason. But a few years ago, I shared my story to show other women that they weren't alone. Regardless of what I've been through, I'm pro-choice because I'm pro-life. But like he said that day, "we don't want abortion to be unlawful, we want it to be unthinkable." Let me tell you, the psychological warfare isn't fun.

When a woman finds out she is pregnant, there are 3 options and one of those is abortion and contrary to popular belief, there are times when abortion is necessary. Even if you don't agree with that it's not your decision to make. Your Choice Resource Center can be a tool to help the community. To reinforce someone's faith like I needed all those years ago. To provide resources to those who are just kids themselves. I spent lunch every day of senior year in the high school's daycare because at my bestie had a baby at 16. There are so many teenagers who get abandoned by their families or a system that lacks care and resources in the event of an unexpected pregnancy. To provide care because poverty is real and so is life without health insurance because I've been there too. To give counseling to women who are chased by their demons in the form of choices they made in the past. Because I too have been chased by those demons. 

For this reason, I chose to join the Walk For Life, an event to help raise funds for YCRC so they can provide options to those who otherwise have none. The walk is September 30th @ 8 am at the Rocky Mount Sports Complex. If you would like to support my goal of $150, click this link.